I wanted to talk about something that have been with me for past few years. At least that's how it feels. I don't remember when it started and how it all started, from where it came and who I should blame besides myself.
- The thing is that this point of my life is one of the best moments in my life. This is the peak as I'm 21 year old, almost graduated from college and coming closer to other achievements. I don't want to talk about all of the things I'm planning, but there are a lot of them for sure. This is the best moment, right here, right now and I'm really grateful for all I've. I'm still living with my parents which let me save some amount for school for which I pay by myself now. And basically all the money I own goes to school & my personal needs such as beauty and clothes, hair care, etc.
- This moment in my life is the best moment also because I've the best people around me. I've great communication between me and people I've known for past few years or people who have became my friends lately. I feel support. I know that someone somewhere will always be here for me. As well as my family. And even if there is someone who I've been calling my friend for decades decided to fuck over me in the worst way - no biggie, not the first time, not the last either. Doesn't make sense who betrays you, the only thing I'm letting in my life is loyalty and love.
- Overall, being 21 right now is the peak of my life right now - the best opportunities, new people, new offers, living in safe environment, being healthy, having great family. I appreciate everything I have. Also this point includes finding someone special in your life. In some ways. Not that I desperately need someone to wake up next to every morning, someone to fall asleep with, someone to hug & kiss. Someone with who to make future plans. Because 21 might be way to early right now, but at the same time it's not like life isn't giving me this opportunity. Life have introduced me to plenty amazing men. All of them are amazing example for great loving relationship, but only if you're longing for love or that warm feeling. I want that but also it's way too less for me. I want stability financially, calm life in our home and huge plans for future. I don't need relationship where men gives me love and happiness, but at the same time boldly drinks or use anything else of drugs, who loves to party all the time and who's irresponsible, unaccountable, and also doesn't have future plans. There have to be goals. And all of those points I just made are part of men I just mentioned.
You see, life is good. Life gives me all the chances to make my life complete in some ways. In some ways more than other ways. It's good. Life is good. But back to the point this post was about - lack of passion is killing me. There ain't no passion for me to do anything. I had to graduate from college 5 months ago but I was too tired and emotionally devastated to make any assignments. There have been other things that I should be done by this time of my life and I simply haven't felt inspired enough. I'm all the time tired, angry or sad. Exhausted. And at the same time I look at my friends who get to their goals all the time, they're happy, successful, in a great relationship, in a great job, everything just seems to be way better than it is in my life. I'm not envy. I just don't understand how did I went here from being happy & successful to being tired & unsuccessful. And how comes that those people who works but also binge drinks and makes their life shit - looks so happy and thankful?
Every morning I wake up and first thing in my head is - do I belong here? Do I belong with people around me? Some of them are bad influence to me, some of them are way too good for me. And secondly, my other thought is that I'm happy for everything I have. Grateful. But still sad inside. Really, really sad time by time. Really hopeless time by time. Tired every morning. Not where I wanted to be at this moment in my life. My seasonal depression comes to say ''hi!'' to me time by time. As I'm getting older it's coming to say ''hi!'' way more often. To the point that I feel like it's part of me, integral part of me & myself. And I know that eventually I will get better. Like all of us. But living with this dark part under my skin feels empty.
If you've the same experience or something makes you feel in some ways like this makes me feel - feel free to comment below and share with your thoughts. If you feel alone - you're not. I'm here with you, with all of us who feel the same time by time. Have a great day whoever read this!
xx, Happiness Victim
Every morning I wake up and first thing in my head is - do I belong here? Do I belong with people around me? Some of them are bad influence to me, some of them are way too good for me. And secondly, my other thought is that I'm happy for everything I have. Grateful. But still sad inside. Really, really sad time by time. Really hopeless time by time. Tired every morning. Not where I wanted to be at this moment in my life. My seasonal depression comes to say ''hi!'' to me time by time. As I'm getting older it's coming to say ''hi!'' way more often. To the point that I feel like it's part of me, integral part of me & myself. And I know that eventually I will get better. Like all of us. But living with this dark part under my skin feels empty.
If you've the same experience or something makes you feel in some ways like this makes me feel - feel free to comment below and share with your thoughts. If you feel alone - you're not. I'm here with you, with all of us who feel the same time by time. Have a great day whoever read this!
xx, Happiness Victim
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